Batman vs. Robin

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February 26, 2014 by David.Groveman

The first complete play that I wrote cannot be professionally produced for obvious copyright infringement reasons.  I wrote this play thinking only to create something entertaining and making fun of the only true Batman, the Adam West version.

 

Writing Sample:

Robin

Blast it Bruce! What am I to you?

 

Batman

Dick Grayson, Boy Wonder, the best sidekick I could ask for.

 

Robin

Boy Wonder? I’m twenty-three Bruce, twenty-three, and I spend my nights running around with an older man wearing yellow tights and a cape. Reporters keep asking all these awkward questions about us.

 

Batman

Well gee, Dick-

 

Robin

And my name is not Dick, Goddamnit, it’s Richard! (An extended pause, Batman clearly shocked by the profanity) People are talking you know … do you know what they’re saying? Bruce, do you know what they think? Well what would you think of a pair of men living together, and neither with any sort of long-term love interest? A pair of men who dart off together ever so often into a nearby closet?

 

Batman

I’d think they were pretty lucky.

 

Robin

You don’t understand anything!!!

 

Batman

Now you listen here; I’m Batman, and Batman is not a stupid person. (Pause) Just explain it to me again.

 

Robin

Why bother, you’re so naive. You don’t assume things about other people, but other people assume things about us.

 

Batman

And what do these people assume?

 

Robin

That we’re gay!!! That’s what!

 

Batman

Well, I agree with them; I’m quite gay, and so are you. Usually, at least … just… not today.

 

Robin

That’s what I mean! You don’t get it. They think we’re HOMOSEXUALS!

 

Batman

Now listen here chum, I think we need to calm down and relax for a bit. How about a jump in the Bat Tub? I’ll have Alfred fill it right now. Better yet I’ll arrange for him to give us shiatsu massages.

 

Robin

No! You haven’t been listening at all!

 

Batman

Well what then, Robin? What?

 

Robin

I’m leaving, Bruce. I’m sick of always being “and Robin,” I want to just be “Robin.” I want to have my own secret lair- the Robin Nest! – and my own swell cars and gadgets. You know what- no, I’m not even gonna be Robin, I’m gonna be something fiercer like… fiercer like, like a … no the, “The Pterodactyl!” That’s what they’ll call me, Richard Grayson, “the Pterodactyl,” defender of the streets.

 

Batman

Why that’s absurd. Dinosaurs aren’t super-heroes.

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